- An applicant insists on being considered for a position but doesn’t meet the qualifications for it.
- An applicant wants you to negotiate a higher salary than a company is offering.
- A hiring manager has unrealistic time demands for filling a job opening.
As a recruiter, you may be upset yourself and don’t know how to say what you feel without exploding, but you can learn how to appropriately express yourself through assertiveness. Start by asking yourself two questions:
- Do I have the right to be assertive?
- How do I appropriately express myself assertively?
In terms of rights, you can only speak for yourself. You don’t have the right to tell others what to think or do. You do, however, have the right to say how you feel – especially as a result of someone else’s actions. Here is how to appropriately express yourself assertively:
- State your understanding of the other person’s position,
- State the actions from the other person that upset you and the feelings the actions evoked in you,
- State your resolution for the situation.
The goal is to reach an acceptable compromise.
Here’s an example of what you could say to an applicant who insists on being considered for a position but doesn’t meet the qualification for it:
“I know you really want to find a position right away, but when you insist on my referring your resume to a specific hiring company and your qualifications don’t match those of the hiring company, I feel compromised. Therefore, I would appreciate your understanding that I cannot refer you to this position. If I do find another position for which you are qualified, I will refer you to it.”
How about the applicant who wants you to negotiate a higher salary than a company is offering? You could say:
“I understand you want a higher salary, but when you ask me to negotiate it for you and the hiring company has already specified the maximum they will offer, I feel pressured. Therefore, I am asking you to accept that I am not in a position to negotiate more than the maximum amount I’ve been provided.”
Then you have the situation of a hiring manager who has unrealistic demands for filling a job opening. Here’s a suggestion of what to say:
“I know you want to hire a candidate as soon as possible, but when you gave me your request this morning and ask for results this afternoon and I have other requests to fill as well, I feel stressed and overwhelmed. Therefore, I would appreciate your allowing me more time to find you qualified candidates.”
What if the other person doesn’t accept the resolution you offer? Just keep repeating your stance like a broken record as well as your resolution. Show the other person that you are not changing your mind. Here’s an example to try with the impatient hiring manager:
“I know you’ve said many times that you need someone today, but when you gave me the request this morning and I repeatedly explain that I need time to recruit, and you ask for someone within several hours, and I ask for more time and you are unwilling to give it, I feel pressured. I am asking for adequate time to provide you with qualified candidates which I consider at least 24 hours.”
You may notice you don’t always get your way when you’re assertive. The significance of assertiveness is that it enhances the probability of your getting your way since it’s much more effective than the alternatives of yelling, screaming, crying, giving the cold shoulder, or saying nothing. Assertiveness offers an opportunity for compromise.
When you apply assertiveness, remember some important points:
- In your first sentence, show that you understand the other person’s point of view to prevent them from saying, “You don’t understand my point of view.” One way is to give the other person empathy. Instead of saying, “I’m sick of your pushiness,” say, “I know that you are in a hurry to get results.” If you can’t think of anything empathetic to say, you can always say, “I know you have reasons for your actions that I don’t understand.” If you can’t say something empathetic in your first sentence, you are probably too angry to be assertive and you need to give yourself time to calm down before being assertive with the person.
- In your second statement, state all the causes that are upsetting to you. If you leave out any, the person might not understand. For example, “When I agreed to call you as soon as I hear from the hiring manager, and you’ve called me four times in the last two hours, and I’ve asked you to be patient, and you continued to call, I feel irritated.” When you state causes, state these causes as facts that are tangible, observable, and measurable. Avoid stating any assumptions. If you say, “I know that you don’t think my time is very important,” expect to hear a dispute. Unless you actually heard a candidate say that your time is not important, you’re making an assumption and the other person will start debating the assumption. If you state only facts, you avoid emotional sidetracks and you can move more quickly into a resolution – in this case, having sufficient time to do your own work.
- When you state how you feel, use the words “I feel,” then express your own emotions. You deviate from assertiveness if you say, “I feel that you are…” What is likely to follow is a string of unappreciated expletives which have nothing to do with being assertive and you have deviated from an otherwise effective method! Thus, instead of saying “I feel that you are a sorry, no-good, low-down, worthless….,” say, “I know you have a lot on your mind, but when I ask you to wait for my call back and you continue to call me, I feel annoyed and irritated.” You can express one, two, or even three emotions. Expressing more than three emotions is overkill.
- When you state your resolution, avoid saying, “should” or “must,” words which sound like commands. The words, “should” and “must” express power. Words like “request” and “prefer” express preferences. Instead of saying, “You should be looking for other jobs yourself,” say, “I would prefer you to be patient,” or “I am requesting your patience.” People respond much better to your preferences and requests than to power.
- For your resolution, ask for what you want. You also have the option of saying, “I simply want you to know how I feel.” Often, you may not want the person to start doing or stop doing anything. You may just want a tactful way to tell them you’re upset. For example: “I know that you want me to find an applicant within two hours, but when I repeatedly ask for more time and don’t receive it, I feel pressured and I simply want you to know how I feel.”
- Also, for your resolution, feel free to ask for an explanation of an action you don’t understand. For example: “I know you’re eager for me to refer qualified candidates for your job opening, but when you notified me of the opening and ask for results within an hour, I feel compromised and wonder if you could explain your rationale for expecting such quick results.”
Choosing to be assertive, means you are making a choice that resolving a conflict is more important that blaming, judging, or name-calling. For the most part, when you express yourself assertively, people will respond back to you assertively. But, be prepared — some people don’t care what they say to you, and sometimes, those people are family members.
So, here is a word of caution when using assertiveness with your family. Instead of responding politely to your assertive requests, family members may try to manipulate you by saying things to press your hot buttons – mainly because they know how and feel you “have” to love them afterwards! Don’t let them drag you into an emotional sidetrack. Keep repeating your stance and your feelings. You don’t even have to change your words, just say the same words and feelings over and over. After hearing you repeat your same stance two or three times, family members will have to respond since you leave no room for debate.
If assertiveness is new for you, start practicing with a situation that has little importance to you like asking your spouse to squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom rather than the top. Practice your skills and read books about assertiveness. Build your confidence before tackling the more difficult situations.
Ready? If you have any problems, probably you either deviated from using assertiveness, or you exceeded your rights.
Set? Take a deep breath.
Go! SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND BE GLAD YOU SAID IT — as long as you do so appropriately and assertively.
Written by Terry L. Wynne, Ed.S., LPC, BCC, NCC, NCCC, CCC
The Professional Edge
www.TheProfessionalEdgeAtlanta.com
Terry L. Wynne, owner of The Professional Edge, is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in career counseling and a Board Certified Coach specializing in career coaching. The Professional Edge offers career counseling, career coaching, resume and cover letter writing, training, speaking, writing, and voiceovers.
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